New Moon: The Better Version
by Vixxen077
Summary: After Edward leaves Bella is left unprotected and finds even more trouble than she bargained for. Will Edward return in time to save her again and if he does, will she break Jakes's heart? Some scenes will be for mature audiences due to sexual content.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first fanfic and I hope to get some good reviews. I know that I will be doing New Moon and either combining events that I want from Eclipse or just redoing the whole thing. I was thinking of also doing Breaking Dawn since it was such a disaster but I'm not sure. I'm starting with the chapter where Edward leaves Bella so I've skipped over the birthday party. I'm sure you all know how it goes. I may change some things about the vampires as I go along, I haven't decided yet. Sorry if it seems short. I wrote 12 pages but it looks so short on the fanfic sight. Constructive criticism is always welcome.**

**Bella: I knew it was too good to be true.**

_Something was very very wrong here_. My stomach was twisted in knots. I was so anxious that I couldn't stop shaking my leg up and down. _What was with Edward's silence? _He's never been so quiet with me. He hasn't smiled at me in two days and when he looks at me…it's like he doesn't even see me.

I chewed on my lower lip, one of my quirky habits that I just can't shake, and began to tap my pencil on my notebook at a rapid pace. I just couldn't stand it! I was glad to be sitting by the window in Geometry so I could look outside. It gave my eyes somewhere to roam besides the classroom. I wished that I was there in forest…with Edward. It would be great to get away from all of this drama and bullshit so we could just be together. But it seemed as though lately he wasn't so interested in being with me. The thought made my eyes sting and I had to close them tight. The stinging subsided. Suddenly someone put there hand over mine and I stopped. I turned from staring out of the window to Jessica.

" What's wrong with you?" she mouthed to me.

"Nothing." I whispered back. She didn't look convinced and shook her as she turned back to pay attention to the math lesson. I couldn't tell Jessica what was wrong. She was the school's gossip and not to mention even though she pretended to be my friend, I had this sneaking suspicion that she hated me. For some godforsaken reason, Mike Newton liked me more than her and she knew it. Even though I would never do anything to hurt her she still held it against me. We were all friends, but Mike made it obvious how he felt about me. I laughed internally as I thought about how many times Edward had probably imagined crushing Mike over his fantasies about me.

_Edward._ I sighed. Did he still feel that way about me? The thought came to my head so fast that it made heart skip a beat. He'd been so distant since my disastrous birthday party that I suddenly wondered if the incident had made him question his feelings for me. I started to doubt him.

_No that's impossible_. Edward had spent the last eighty years alone, he wouldn't just change his mind or let something so silly ruin us. _Would he?_ I know he's melodramatic, but I just can't see him…

I couldn't breathe and my heart started to race_. No! _I had to stop thinking things like that. I couldn't survive without Edward in my life. Just the mere thought of not being with Edward was enough to cause me an anxiety attack.

I looked up at the clock in front of the class. It was almost over and I would see Edward. I would have to talk to him today. I was off from work and he would have to come over tonight. If he flakes out on me again I'll just die. He was my life. We had to work through this.

The bell finally rang out and I threw my books in my bag and bolted for the door narrowly escaping a collision with the teacher on my way out. Edward was already there waiting for me by the doorway. I smiled, so happy to see him, but his grim expression wiped it right off.

"Hi" I said without much enthusiasm. He responded with a weak "Hey".

A sudden fury hit me and I glared at him. This seemed to surprise him and he raised his eyebrow at me. He opened his mouth as if to say something and then decided against it. Instead he nodded his head toward the door and we started walking out to the parking lot to head home. We rode all the way to my house in silence. My anger was building because of his attitude towards me. _I hadn't done anything to wrong him!_ _Did I?_ He had no right giving me this damned silent treatment. He should be mad at Jasper, not me!

He pulled up in front my house and parked. I sighed deeply and looked over at him. His hands were still tightly grasping the steering wheel and he was looking straight out towards the woods. He looked upset, tortured almost. He must have sensed me staring at him because his face went blank and he looked at me. I finally had to speak. My words came out weaker than I wanted them to considering how angry I felt.

"Your silence is killing me Edward."

"We need to talk." _This can't be good. _

"Yes, we do."

"Let's go for a walk."

We both got out of the car and he led the way to the little trail into the woods behind my house. Panic was creeping up on me. That tone of voice was so unlike him. Maybe he's just upset because Jasper and Alice had to leave for a while. Maybe everyone wants me to stay away and it's bothering him. Maybe he wants us to leave but he thinks that I won't go because of Charlie? He should know better than that. I want to become an immortal for him; he should know that I would follow him to ends of the earth, the universe, to infinity.

_He knows that, right?_

He stopped and turned around so fast that my heart leapt my throat. For a brief moment he looked so pained, crushed. But before I could really understand, it was gone. He was expressionless.

_What is hiding from me? Or better yet, why is he hiding something from me?_

I decided to start the talk. I swallowed the lump that was threatening to choke me so when the words came out they sounded a little strangled.

"Edward, what's going on? Why has everyone not come to school this week?" Nothing in his face changed as he replied,

"Bella," he paused. The suspense was driving me mad and I huffed, shifting my weight from one foot to the other. "Bella, they've all decided to move on.

I blinked and let it sink in. _Moved on? So soon? _

"Why?" I asked stupidly.

"Carlisle can barely pass for the thirty anymore, let alone the thirty-three that he claims. People are starting to wonder and question us."

He was insulting my intelligence again. It was something he liked to do, not purposefully but because he was so used to having to deceive people and I happen to be the only one, even though I am mystified by him frequently, I don't miss anything.

"Edward, I'm not an idiot. You haven't been here that long and I know it takes longer than two years for people to start being suspicious. Mrs. Coleman down the street is forty-five and looks like she's 32, so I'm not buying that." _Why was he doing this?_ He started to shift uncomfortably. How unusual for a vampire.

"Bella listen, I can't do this anymore." I didn't understand.

"Can't do what? I don't understand." The panic was creeping up further; it was in my stomach now.

"Us."

"Us?" The panic was almost in my chest and it started to tighten. My sarcastic nature started to show itself. "You'll have to be more specific Edward, don't forget my intelligence." I managed to grumble out. I was having trouble catching my breath.

He was not fazed. "Bella, I have risked so many people's lives to be with you and that was selfish of me. And wrong. Our relationship has put my family at risk. They are all in shambles now. I can't do this to them anymore." Every word he spoke seemed so thought out. It's no wonder he's been so distant. He's been planning this speech for days. "My selfishness and my…infatuation with you have jeopardized everything." I started to feel dizzy the longer he went on. _This can't be happening. _ I squeezed my eyes shut. _Infatuation?_ "I don't want to cause anyone anymore pain for my reckless behavior."

The walls were closing in on me. Or maybe it was the black and gray storm clouds that were rolling in the sky. I heard thunder in the distance. I shivered as the temperature dropped in my body.

Listening to him, I slowly came to a realization. I could see what he was trying to say without saying it. _Infatuation_. I had simply been an infatuation, an obsession that he let go too far. Apparently, the incident on birthday with Jasper snapped him out of it. It was that or he just didn't think that I was worth the risk like he did in the beginning. Our relationship was wrong. If that was so, then why had everything up until this point always felt so right? I guess it didn't matter. When one person in a relationship didn't want the other…I winced thinking it…then the other was screwed.

He was waiting for me to say something. It took me a minute but I finally found my voice.

"What you are saying," I had to think carefully. "is that…your family is more important that I am and that…" I had to take another painful breath. "..that our relationship was or is a mis-stake?" He looked as though he didn't know what to say.

_Please tell me I'm wrong!_

"We…cannot be exposed Bella."

_He really didn't think I was worth it. _

"Edward…I'm sorry I've been so much trouble." I could barely get the words out. "I'll be more careful, I swear." He closed his eyes and pinched the space between his eyes like he was getting a stress headache. Vampires didn't get headaches. He slowly shook his head from side to side.

"When you and I are together we attract trouble, Bella. There are too many problems…"

He was leaving me. I had been right all along. I had known my feelings were deeper than his, even when he tried to convince me otherwise that day at the lunch table. What was it to him to spend time fooling with me? He had immortality. He would live forever so he had to find different things to keep his self from being bored out of his mind.

I couldn't believe this was happening to me. Edward, my love, my life, the man I was willing to die for, was leaving me to protect his family…and his self? It was like I didn't know him at all. It just didn't add up. Was this what he wanted me to really think? _Why can't he just be honest with me for once?!_

"I don't believe you. There's no need to hide behind your family Edward." My voice was so shaky I could barely finish my sentences. "Y-you," I sighed deeply covering my face with my hands, not wanting to say it out loud, but I thought that I would save him the trouble, "You don't love me." I said evenly, shrugging my shoulders.

_Please tell me I'm wrong_.

For a millisecond he looked like he wanted to protest my statement, but that was just wishful thinking. I continued on. "I'm an infatuation, I get it. I was something to just pass some time in your life of eternity. I should have known I guess." The panic that was threatening to overtake me somehow hadn't come yet. The tears that were waiting to fall, didn't come. My voice was surprisingly steady and I was glad for it. He looked confused, sticking his hands in the pockets of his carpenter jeans.

The silence was once again killing me. "I guess that since infatuations come and go, that you aren't infatuated with me anymore, is that how it is?" His silence began to anger me again. A fire flickered in the pit of my stomach and I shouted, "Just fucking tell me Edward!" I could feel tears swelling up in my eyes. "Why can't you just get it over with and stop torturing me?! Just tell me the truth for once! Just say that you don't love me already so you can move on too!"

He stood motionless; he reminded me of a Michelangelo sculpture. "I don't love you."

The fire exploded in my chest like a grenade and I crumpled to my knees, convulsing and clutching at my heart. I heard him call out my name in a panic and I knew he was by my side. Then the rain started pouring down and the thunder rumbled through the sky. His frigid hands were on my shoulders. He was still calling my name and roughly shaking me. I suddenly screamed out throwing his hands away from me, "No! Get away from me!" Instantly he was standing ten feet away with his hands up apologetically. He was completely taken aback and his eyes…his beautiful tiger's eyes were wide with fear.

I felt out of control. I couldn't tell whether the sounds I was hearing were my sobs or the storm. "How could you do this to me?!" He said he loved me so many times. The way he kissed me to gently for the first time after we'd left our meadow; the way he kissed me every time after that…he was such a comfortable liar. I ran at him and smashed myself against his chest sobbing and beating his chest with my fists. It was like hitting stone. He grabbed my wrists and held my arms down, obviously not because I was hurting him, but to get me to stop hurting myself. He put his arms around me and held me tight. "You bastard," I choked out as the tears flowed freely.

"I'm sorry" he whispered. He kissed the top of my head. "I'm so sorry Bella for what I have done. I swear I will never put you through anything like this ever again. You'll never see me again, I promise." My chest tightened up even more. How could I live Edward?

"I wish you had never saved me from Tyler's van."

"No Bella!" He pushed me back to look deep into my desolate eyes. "Please, you must move on from this. You are human, you will heal and forget about me in time. Please don't ever do anything to put yourself at risk. I couldn't bare it. Promise me!" I didn't understand why it was so important to him. With the rain washing away my tears as fast I was shedding them I said, "I will never forget, Edward. I will always remember this day."

"Just promise me," he pleaded. In buried my face in his chest, his sweater was freezing and wet, but I barely noticed. "Please." I finally nodded.

"I'm sorry Bella," he said again. "It will get easier with time. It will be as if I never existed."

And with those final words, he was gone. I wrapped my arms around my chest. I felt like I was going fall apart right there.

"I love you, Edward." I crumpled to the wet cold ground once again and cried until there was nothing left. I let the darkness take over me.

All I know  
time is a valuable thing  
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings  
Watch it count down to the end of the day  
The clock ticks life away  
It's so unreal  
Didn't look out below  
Watch the time go right out the window  
Trying to hold on / but didn't even know  
Wasted it all just to  
Watch you go

_In The End_ by Linkin Park

**Edward: Everyone hates me…and I deserve it.**

Her words echoed inside my head as I ran like a bullet through the forest.

"_I love you Edward." _

"_You bastard."_

"_I wish you had never saved me from Tyler's van."_

I ran so hard, the trees flying past me at incredible speed as I tried to block out her sobs, but it was useless. I had destroyed her and she still said she loved me. My beautiful Bella, her face had been wrenched in agony. She should never have had to endure such pain. It had reminded me of when I'd found her broken with James. She had seemed so composed until I uttered those blasphemous words to her. I was still in shock that I could even say them. I had not planned to say such a thing to her. I was a completely despicable monster.

I loathed myself.

I had expected something entirely different from her. I had expected pleading and begging. I thought it would take me forever to convince her that I didn't love her. I didn't understand. _How could she believe me so quickly?_ But then again, it seemed that she always surprised me. Why I couldn't figure her out was beyond my comprehension. I could guess any other person's reaction easily, but with her, it was impossible. I had expected all the things I suppose that I would have done if the situation was reversed. I was glad that I couldn't hear her thoughts. If I wasn't already dead, it would have killed me.

It took everything I had to keep running in the direction away from her. The further I was from her the more difficult it became to breathe. _How stupid! I don't even need to breathe!_ My cold, dead heart was lifeless in my chest and yet a rage was building inside of me. I couldn't contain it. I plowed into tree that twice my girth. It ripped up from the earth and fell with a roaring crash through the forest. I stared at it as the forest became eerily silent. My labored breathing was unnecessary, but I felt like there was a mountain sitting on my chest. It was only getting worse.

I caught the scent of a predator. I was on the trail immediately letting my senses take me over. Before I even knew what was happening I was on him. A great grizzly he was. I was too fast and too angry to care. He bellowed at me and I took him down. I tore at the flesh of his neck, ripping out his throat causing his warm blood to spray all over my face and clothes. The massive bear writhed in my grasp. He was no match for me. He finally fell over with a final rumbling grunt. I stood up and looked down upon him. His heart beat was slowing down, pumping his blood up and out of his wound. I wasn't at all thirsty. I just needed to get out some aggression. It didn't help.

_I'm wasn't alone. _

"_Edward." _ It was Alice. She was calling me with her thoughts and from the sound of it she wasn't happy. I couldn't bring myself to look up from the bear I had mangled.

"Edward." She was calling me out loud this time. I went to her thoughts. What I saw was frightening.

She was looking at me. I was covered in blood from my kill. My face was distorted in such a way that I didn't even recognize myself. It was a face of hatred. It was all hatred for myself. I could smell the blood now that I was so aware of it. But even though I was aware of it, there was no interest.

I finally looked over at Alice. She was standing fifty feet away from me. Her eyes were daggers on me. Images suddenly started flowing from her. Bella lying on wet ground sobbing as the rain pounded her. I threw my hands up to cover my ears and squeezed my eyes together and tight as I could.

"Stop! Stop it!" I cried out. Something struck me so hard in my chest that I was destroying trees and bushes as I flew backwards through the air before I could react. My first thought was that I had done it myself, but I looked up, stunned to see Alice standing over me. She screamed at me without saying a word.

"_Edward how could do this to her? She was my best friend! She wants to spend eternity with you and this is how you repay her devotion?! You're pathetic! You and you're stupid religious morals! You've destroyed her!" _

All the while she stood there, still with daggers in her eyes as I lay on the ground. I wished my heart was alive and beating in that moment then I could have ripped it out of my own chest to stop the pain. I covered my face with my hands, aware once again that I covered in blood. I lifted my hands and looked them. I was trembling.

"It might as well be her blood, you imbecile!" She crossed her arms curtly and started pacing. Someone else was coming in the distance. I didn't care enough to see who it was.

Emmet was suddenly by Alice's side looking distraught. He took one look at me and his words assaulted me. This thoroughly shocked me. Emmett, my big brother who never let anything get to him was actually angry with me.

"Edward, why the hell are you doing this to her!? She's part of our family, man! She's perfect for you and she loves you, why would you treat her like this? _I ought to pound you for this. We all love her, you know? It's not just Alice. Even Rosalie cares about her Edward, she just won't admit it to anyone else." _

I sat up and pulled my knees to my chest. I buried my face in my knees and choked out dry sobs until darkness began to take over. Alice and Emmet had taken seats on the fallen tree and waited for me to stop. I didn't think I would every be able to stop. Emmett, unable to take anymore, shot over to me and pulled me up.

"Come on Edward, get a hold of yourself. Dude, I don't think either of you can live without each other. Just go back and apologize."

"NO!" Anger fueled me again. "What the hell is wrong with you? Don't you understand?"

"No, I don't, Edward! I certainly don't understand. She's not some idiotic teenager and you know it."

"If she stays with me, she dies!"

"We're all dead!"

"She deserves better then this! I will not take her soul!"

"Fuck you, Edward. You're being a selfish prick." I'd never seen Emmett sad before. After all of these years, I was seeing a soft side of Emmett that I supposed only Rosalie knew existed. "I never thought I'd ever say something like this to you brother, but maybe you don't deserve her. She would never do anything to hurt you." And with that Emmett was gone.

I stood immobile letting everything sink in from the day. I felt like I was reaching a breaking point. God, how I wanted to be by Bella's side. I longed to feel her warm hand inside of mine. I imagined my lips on hers. I thought of how her scent burned my throat when I kissed her. I could feel her silky hair through my fingers. Alice finally broke the silence.

"Well, I hope you're happy now. I just want you to know, that Bella did not break up this family…you did." A swoosh of wind and leaves let me know that she too was gone.

I decided to run again. I ran south and as I ran I let the numbness wash over me. I had destroyed everything to save Bella's life and soul. It's funny how things seem to feel. I thought my soul was gone long ago. It's strange how it felt like I'd just lost it tonight.


	2. Chapter 2

**I hope some more people pick up on my story and give me some reviews and pointers. There is major stuff to come so bare with me. Things are going to be really different so I hope you like it. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from this story, they are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

Chapter 2: Aftermath

Lightening lit up the sky and crashed behind me and it brought me out of my stupor. I was still on my knees in the pouring down rain. I don't remember much after that. I just remember needing to run.

So I ran.

Branches and sticks hit me in face, roots and stumps tripped me but I couldn't stop. I couldn't get his voice out of my head.

"_I don't love you." _

My lungs and my legs began to burn I was running so hard. I couldn't stop. If I stopped it would take over me. I didn't want to feel this. _I have to be in a nightmare. Edward wouldn't do this to me. He promised me!_

But it was true. The fire coursing through my body was the proof but I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't! I needed him! He was the air I breathed, the sun and moon in my sky. I wanted to wake up! _Wake up! Wake up before you lose your mind!_

I was still tearing into the forest like a madman. This nightmare was real. I didn't think I'd be able to go much farther, but there was no way I could stop. The blaze that rushed through me was distracting me from the constricting pressure in my chest. With each stride I took my legs felt more and more like jelly.

But my athletic abilities were truly pathetic and I hated myself for being so short-winded. My limbs were screaming for oxygen and begging me to give up the further and further I pushed them. I was barely aware of what happened when my legs gave out and I plummeted into a bed of wet, cold leaves and branches. My chest ballooned up and down as I gasped for breath. Slowly my breathing evened out and I began to sink into my thoughts.

I don't know how long I was there. I wasn't sure nor did I care. Everything started to get so dark and I realized that it was a new moon tonight. How fitting he would choose this night to rip my heart out and leave me here to die alone.

I longed for Edwards cold arms to comfort me and tell me it was going to be alright and that he was sorry for hurting me, but I knew he would never come back. I was lost inside of my head and tried to think of anything except him. It was impossible. He was my life so there was nothing besides him. Except maybe Alice…I would miss her terribly as well. I eventually stopped fighting my memories and let them flood through my mind. I went through our every moment together, trying to decipher our relationship over the past few months.

I had never once doubted him. I had trusted him completely even when he told me he wanted to kill me for my blood. He'd saved my life from being smashed from Tyler's van. He'd saved me from being assaulted by those horrible men in Port Angeles. He'd saved me from James. He had even saved me from his self. Why would he do all of those things to keep me alive if he was just going to kill me anyway in the end? What could compel a person to do such things for another if not for love?

All of these horrid thoughts clouded my mind as I trembled in the darkness.

I remembered when he'd saved me in Port Angeles and he had been so angry. He'd wanted to kill them for what they wanted to do to me. _But why?_

"Bella!"

I heard a voice in the distance and for an instant I thought it was Edward, but I knew it couldn't be. He would not be calling me in such a way. Not with so much panic in his voice for my safety. He would smell me from miles away. I was imagining it. I could hear him call for me like he did when he found me broken in the ballet studio. He'd seemed to care so much then; so concerned for my life like in Port Angeles. _Why Edward?_

"Bella!" He seemed closer.

No, it wasn't Edward and not my imagination.

The voice was too rough and deep to be Edward. But it was so familiar. I didn't have the will to tear myself from my mind so I just lied there, reveling in my memories. I hoped he wouldn't find me whoever it was. I just wanted to wither away here, drowning in my thoughts of when life was worth living.

"Bella!"

He was so close. _Who was it?_ I didn't sound like Charlie, so why was it so familiar? I heard him now shuffling through the trees and brush.

I was with Edward, looking into his tiger's eyes laying in our meadow. I thought of when he pressed his icy hand on my chest right below my neck. I couldn't breathe just thinking of his touch. I had never once been afraid of him when he was so close to me that day, even though I knew he was fighting so hard to not let his thirst for me win against him.

There was someone in front of me…and it wasn't Edward. _No! _I needed my love! I went back to him. His voice was so soft and soothing, like velvet.

"So the lion fell in love with the lamb."

"Bella!" The voice almost on top of me and I suddenly knew that I should speak up, but I was too busy gazing into Edward's smoldering love-ridden eyes.

I didn't really understand what was wrong with me. I didn't want to lose this moment. I was afraid if I went anywhere except with Edward the pain would take me again. I didn't even know who was in my view but he came closer shining a flashlight over the ground, searching.

"Bella?" I heard him gasp. I was caught now. I refused to leave. He was kneeling before me trying to see my face. He scooped my lifeless body into his arms and sat back on his heels. I could see the canopy of the trees as my head rolled back. My eyes at some point must have adjusted to the pitch blackness of the moonless night. I felt a hot hand gently come across my cheek, removing my wet matted hair from my face.

He was so comforting and strong, but I needed to stay with Edward.

"Oh my god, Bella!" He sounded so panicked.

Jacob. It was Jacob Black and his face for a moment replaced Edward's in my mind. I saw his bronze face and light smile from the beach when we'd first met. _Why was he here?_

"Are you okay? Are you hurt? Were you bitten by…something?"

_Bitten?_ _Did he know!?_

Of course not, no one knew. What a ridiculous thing to think. My chest had only exploded hours ago and he wanted to know if I had been bitten by something. I saw Edward's beautiful face and I closed my eyes. I didn't want to see anyone but Edward. Jacob must have seen this as a "yes" or thought I was dead because he became more frantic.

"Bella please wake up and tell me what's wrong! Bella!" When I didn't..couldn't…respond he gave up the formalities and started feeling my neck and breathing in deep close to me like he was smelling me.

"No blood," he said to his self. _Strange._

When he was satisfied he stopped and easily stood with me in his arms. I got the sense of floating through the air but ignored it. He was so warm even in this freezing temperature, but his body was stiff and tense. "Bella, please speak to me" he pleaded. "Just tell me what's wrong. Do you need a doctor?"

I tried to find the words to tell him I was okay, physically, but wanted to stay with Edward in our meadow. I was so dazzled by my love that I couldn't comprehend anything else. But something made want to tell Jacob I was okay. He was so worried. Jacob shouldn't be so upset.

"I just needed to run." It was all I could whisper. He didn't say anything but his body released a little tension hearing my voice. I opened my eyes and I suddenly realized that he was running and running very fast, but it was so smooth.

Like a vampire. It reminded me of riding on Edward's back.

Finally he said, "Yeah, I know how that feels." His voice was kind and yet so rough. It was so different than I remember. It was like he was a child then and now an adult. But it had only been months… "But Bella you've been gone for hours and you're not that far from home. I don't understand, it's storming and freezing out here. What happened?"

I didn't understand anything either. I must have used up everything I had to tell him that I just needed to run because I couldn't speak again. I was gone again. He didn't ask me again, knowing I wouldn't answer.

Jacob took me home and everybody in town must have been clustered on our front lawn. I could hear shouts and murmurs all around me as Jacob fly out of the forest and into the crowd yelling, "I've got her, she's here."

Charlie was beside himself with relief that I was alive and not injured. Jacob took me in the house and laid me on the couch. Charlie covered me with a heavy blanket. I remember him asking Jacob what was wrong with me.

"I don't know," Jacob said. "She just said she needed to run and then she mumbled "he's gone" a few times, but that's it. She looks…catatonic almost. It's like she's in shock. I freaked when I saw her. If I hadn't heard her heart beating I would have been sure she was dead. It was beating so slow, like she was dreaming with her eyes open. Even when she spoke it was like she was in another world."

_He's gone? _I didn't remember saying it out loud. _He heard my heart beat?_

There were so many questions. Charlie shooed everyone out to go home as the town doctor was taking my pulse and asking a million things about my health. I never spoke to him. I might have nodded once or twice, at least I tried. I thought of Carlisle and how he had moved on so now Dr. Gerady was here instead. I sunk even more into myself. Dr. Gerady finally gave up and stood up. He told Charlie a few things and then he caught my attention. I just listened.

"I've got to head back over to the hospital now Charlie. I think she's fine, physically, but…something traumatic must have happened. If Carlisle were here he would know what more to do. I don't think taking her to the hospital is necessary right now. Keep an eye on her to be sure she doesn't get sick from being out in the cold for so long."

"So they're all really gone?" Charlie asked.

"Yes and with Carlisle gone so suddenly they're shorthanded. I'll be working some double shifts until the temp. gets here next week and then we'll start looking for another doctor." He was walking towards the door with Charlie as he spoke. "I just don't understand. He got an offer from a hospital in L.A. I can't believe he took it. I thought better of Carlisle than that. He and his wife loved it here." He sighed, disappointed.

"Bella must be heartbroken." How did Jacob guess so easily? Charlie seemed mystified.

"You think that she's like this because Edward is gone? But they can still keep in touch, why would she act like this? She's acting like he…died. There has to be another explanation."

He would never understand how I felt about Edward. He'd never know that I loved a monster…that I would always love him. I decided to look at them since I didn't have to move anything except my eyes. What I saw would have surprised me…if I had been capable of any emotions other than anguish. Jacob looked like he had doubled in size and towered over them both by at least 5 or 6 inches. I didn't realize it had been that long since I'd seen Jacob. No wonder he carried me like I was a feather.

"I doubt that he'll be keeping in touch." He sounded…disgusted. How strange, Jacob didn't even know Edward. He wasn't even sure if that was why I was acting this way. He would never know Edward because he was gone now.

Fear gripped me. I didn't think I could suppress my pain much longer so I jumped off the couch and ran as fast I could upstairs to my room. I tripped at the final step, having a hard time picking my feet up because they were so heavy and had to catch myself. I got up quickly and ran into my room. I slammed the door shut and locked it. I knew everyone downstairs wanted to know what was wrong and what had happened to me. I didn't care. Let them think I got lost and freaked out. Let them think I whatever they want. I just wanted to be alone so I could reminisce with my past life. I climbed into bed, wet clothes and shoes, and pulled the blankets over my head and curled up once again to hold the pain inside from bursting again.

I heard Charlie and Jacob banging on my door, calling my name. I was too terrified to come out. Right then I decided to never come out. I knew that I ever came out of this place I was in, I would suffer unbearable pain.

So there I stayed, locked inside of myself with my wonderful memories of him. I stayed in the time where he loved me.

My encounter with reality was gone and most of everything after that was in a haze.

**Jacob: Damn that stinking bloodsucker**

I watched as the sun rose in the horizon. I'd been sitting on the beach for a couple of hours just looking out over the black water. It was so quiet now that the storm had passed. Nothing reflected off of it until now. There had been a new moon last night. It was a bad night for anyone to be lost in the woods, let alone someone like Bella. She was so small and fragile, so easily preyed upon.

I was so scared while I had been looking for her. I had just known for sure that she had been killed by that…leech! I could smell his stench from a mile away when my dad and I were racing to get to Bella's house after Charlie called. I thought he was going to have a stroke. He had already tried calling that parasite's house several times trying to find her and no one answered. When we got there Charlie had called the hospital and found out that all of the Cullens had been gone since the weekend. Of course this hadn't made sense to Charlie because Edward had been picking Bella up for school and dropping her off all week.

I was sure that he had killed her and they had all scattered like roaches into the night when I'd smelled their scents mingled together behind the house. I was so thankful to be wrong.

I had never seen anyone in the shape Bella was in. When I found her, she was soaking wet from head to toe, curled up tight on the forest floor. If it hadn't been for my heightened sense of smell and hearing I would have never found her. I was thankful in that brief time for being a werewolf, even if it made life too complicated. She was completely silent, barely even breathing. She never even looked at me the whole time I was with her. She was like a ragdoll in my arms when I held her. I was furious.

_Damn that stinking bloodsucker! What did he do to her?_

He didn't bite her, she was unharmed physically. The only thing I could come up with seemed so stupid and impossible, but I knew it was true. He had broken her heart, that's what he did.

I was so confused about what kind of relationship they could have had together. My dad had clued me in to how close they were after I found out about the werewolf thing. That was still so new to me. All the legends were true and I was caught in the middle of them all. I felt like an idiot thinking back to what I had told Bella at the beach. If the elders found out that I had actually told someone about the Cullens they would skewer me. Oh well, the damage was done and now they were gone. Their disappearance was a mystery to everyone, except me. After seeing Bella like that, I knew that them leaving had mostly to do with her and the relationship she had with that cretin. I wish I knew why.

Those fucking leeches didn't suck human blood but they sure as hell didn't keep normal human company around…until Bella. Vampires only got to know humans they intended to change, but that would be stupid. The treaty specifically said that they couldn't even bite a human without breaking the rules and causing an uprising of werewolves.

Could they have been planning to change her, but decided not to and left her?

I growled, angry at the thought of her being a bloodsucking leech.

So why Bella? Why the ruse? She didn't deserve to be going through this crap. She was such a good person and friend. She obviously loved him though. _Ugh!_ How could she stand it? Why hadn't she been terrified of them? I mean she freakin' dated him! Why would she put herself at risk like that? Her life was on the line just being near him!

The idea came to me in a flash and it was all clear and yet, so…not clear.

She must have _wanted_ to be one of them.

_No she want that! _She wouldn't have wanted to be a disgusting creature like that; a blood drinker; a vicious murderer. That wasn't Bella!

But then again what did I know of Bella? She _was_ dating a vampire willingly. Who knows what she might have wanted from him.

What was I saying? I was also a pretty disgusting creature myself. I didn't kill people, I protected them, but still. I was half man, half wolf. I was also a kind of monster.

I got up and paced back and forth along a section of the beach. The sun was rising.

I wondered how long I should wait before going to check on Bella. I had to make sure she was okay. Dr. Gerady said that if she didn't get better in a day or two to take her to the hospital for some tests. I hoped that wasn't going to be necessary.

I would go later that evening after dinner. I wanted to make sure she had plenty of rest before bugging her.

Speaking of rest, I needed to sleep. I was exhausted.

**Alice: No sight**

We were in Alaska, perched under some trees in the forest behind the Denali's house. We always came here when we needed to get away and be around friends, but tonight we were just here because this is where we ran. It seemed that everyone just needed to run without direction to get away.

No matter how much he tried, Jasper could not ease my arid sobs as I sat under the trees surrounded by snow. I felt waves of calm wash over me, but I couldn't stop seeing Bella's face. Her pretty pale face was mangled in pain and anguish because of Edward's horrible words. I buried my face in Jasper's chest and he held me tight.

I wanted to hit Edward again I was so angry with him.

I missed her so much already. She was the sister I never had, my best friend. As much as I loved Rosalie, it wasn't the same with Bella. I loved Bella so much. I couldn't believe what Edward forced us all to do. I was tempted to go get her and change her myself, but I knew Edward's wrath would reign down on me and I didn't want Jasper caught in the middle of it.

And poor Emmett. He'd never lost anyone he cared about in all his years. When he was human, he died without knowing love and then there was Rosalie. He's been with her, Carlisle, and Esme ever since. He wasn't coping very well with the loss. Bella was also like the sister he never had like she was to me.

Edward was such an idiot! He was a moron by all accounts and he had destroyed us all by leaving Bella behind. He was so selfish with his melodrama and self-loathing attitude. Up until now I would have said that he deserved above us all to have happiness in his life, but after this I wasn't so sure. I could feel myself starting to shake. I was getting so angry thinking about Edward. He was pathetic!

It was unfathomable what Bella was going through. I imagined what I would feel like if Jasper ever said those things to me. It made my chest tighten and I immediately pushed those thoughts from my head.

I looked for Bella to see if she was okay, even though Edward made me promise not to. I wasn't concerned about what Edward wanted at the moment.

I saw her there, curled up on the wet ground, getting pummeled by the pouring down rain. She seemed indifferent to it. Not noticing at all that she was wet, cold, or that it was starting to get dark. I frowned, saddened by the state she was in.

I tried to see further ahead and my sight abruptly went blank and I gasped, shocked, and sat straight up. _What the hell was going on? _

"Jasper," I squeaked, grabbing aimlessly at his shirt in a panic. I searched for her, but there was nothing. I couldn't even go back and see what I had just seen before. _What had changed? What had happened?_

"What is it Alice?" He probably thought I saw Bella dead or Edward doing something crazy. "Alice what do you see?"

I finally turned slowly and looked at him.

"Bella's future…everything…it's gone." He was confused. I had never lost my sight before.

"What do you mean? Is she dead?"

"No, she's not dead. At least I hope not. It's just gone like I've been blocked out." I blinked a few times and shook my head trying to clear my mind. "I don't understand. That has never happened to me before." Jasper's brows puckered together.

I clasped my hands together and leaned back against him.

"I suppose Edward will get his wish after all." My voice cracked as I started to weep, tearless, again.

You can see here that I set up for Bella's power that Stephenie gave her in Breaking Dawn. I'm going to replace the whole Jacob turning into a werewolf while he's building his relationship with Bella with something a lot more traumatic. And the length of time between now and Edward's return will probably be a little longer. I can't wait to get to all the juicy stuff, but we must have plot building and character development. Please review and add me to your favorites. It will boost my self-esteem.  And I apologize for typos and missing words. I'm a terrible proofreader. Please help me fix that as well.


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay so here is another chapter. I need reviews everyone! I hope I didn't squeeze too much stuff in this one chapter. It may seem like I take forever to update, but I'm very picky with my writing. I want to be good and not sound rushed even though I'm going crazy trying to get to the major parts. Please let me know what you think.**

**Chapter 3**

**Bella: Death Would be Sweet**

In most people's lives, they come to a point where they have to make a major decision that will potentially impact them forever.

Unfortunately for me, the decision made wasn't mine, but it would effect until the day I died.

Death for me would be sweet when I tasted it. I hoped it was soon.

**September: Denial**

It had been a couple of weeks since Edward was gone. I sat by my window with my knees up and my head resting on them in my rocking chairs. I looked over at the clock. It was 4:30 in the morning. The cool night air blew my hair around my face. I sighed deeply and rubbed my blood-shot eyes. I was so tired, but I couldn't sleep. I stared back out of the window.

_Edward had to come back. He couldn't leave me like this. _

I heard my door creak open and looked over at as Charlie's head peaked into my room.

"Bells, you should be in bed honey."

"I can't sleep." My voice was so tiny. He walked into my room and sat on the bed facing me. Worry creased his forehead and he dark circles under his eyes. He must not being sleeping well either. Probably because of me.

"Bella…" he started. I gave him a wary look. He'd tried to talk to me several times over the last three weeks, but I normally just ran out of the room. He had me trapped now, so I just decided to let him talk. I didn't have to listen. "I'm not going to pretend to understand what's going on. I'll be honest, I'm very confused and lost on what to do and what the reason is for your…behavior."

_And I would never tell him. _

"Renee is extremely worried about you and," he stopped and nervously ran his hands through his hair. "She wants you to come home." He waited for me to respond. When I didn't, he continued. "She thinks that it would be better for you there with her. I know you two are so much closer than we are and she being your mother, well, you know." I still didn't have anything to say. "Bella, I want you to go back home."

_What? No._

"I can't leave."

"You're ticket has already been bought for Florida. You'll be leaving in a couple of days." My head snapped up furiously.

"What?"

"You need to go home, Bella. I don't know what to do."

I was so angry I couldn't control myself. "In case you haven't noticed Charlie, I'm an adult now so you don't have to do anything!"

"Bells," I cut him of as I jumped out of my chair and started pacing frantically.

_I can't leave. What if I'm not here when he comes back!_

"No you don't understand! I can't leave here! This is my home! This is where my life is!" My fury melted into fear and I became hysterical. "I can't handle the thought of being anywhere else! Jacksonville is not my home, so it's not like I'll be going back to Phoenix where I once had a life! I can't start over again!" I was sobbing now, imagining being in the smoldering heat away from everything that had made me so happy. I wanted it back. "Please don't do this to me! I can't take it! What if I'm not here when he comes back? He'll think I've forgotten about him, he'll leave again and never come back! Please I can't…I can't…" I slumped in the floor and bawled.

Charlie left me alone. He never mentioned going to live with Renee again.

**October: Nightmares**

**Bella: Numb**

My alarm was still buzzing on the night stand next to my head. I'd been up since my three AM wake-up call and listening to my clock go off for the last twelve minutes. It would be kind of nice to sleep through the night until my alarm went off for school, but for the past three months, three in the morning came with a jolt that made me scream into the darkness with sweat rolling down my face.

_Nightmares._

I dreaded going to sleep at night because of them. Most people use sleep to get away from reality, but reality was where I could control what happened in my mind. My subconscious was overrun with images of Edward and his angelic face twisted in detestation for me, his eyes scarlet, and his lips dripping with venom. It was always so dark, the trees and greenery not visible at all and it was so difficult to run because of the roots and branches. He would stalk me as I tried desperately to get away from him. I would run so hard, panting and gasping for air, but in the end I always failed. I would fall and he would be on top of me in a blur with his teeth bared and then he would grow fangs. I don't know why he had them because real vampires didn't have long pointed fangs like that, but he always had them in my nightmares. Just as his teeth would break the tender skin at my jugular I would scream. I would wake up then, screaming and twisted up in my sheet with my blankets on the floor. Sleep after that was impossible.

It was a getting harder in the beginning to imagine Edward's kind face and his topaz eyes because of my nightmares. All I could see were his fangs and blood-filled irises. I hated to think of him like that, it hurt the most out of anything else. I could never think of him as that kind of monster.

When I was awake I could control what I thought about, which for the most part I tried to keep my mind as clear as possible. It had taken me over a month to figure out a way to deal with my heart that Edward completely demolished. I searched aimlessly to find a way to deal with it all. I eventually found a way to block it all out. I blocked out everything; the pain in my chest, the memories, the hope…

In my mind, I locked it all away behind an impenetrable blockade.

There was only one problem with this.

I was completely numb…to everything and everyone.

**November: Still Numb**

**December: Getting Some Feeling Back**

I reached over and turned off the alarm. It was Monday morning and from what I had noticed I thought it was the last week of school before Christmas vacation. I put my feet on the cold hardwood floor and made my way over to my closet, pulling out the first things I came to and then headed for the bathroom.

A new year was just around the corner. This year would be so different. I let out a ragged breath and put my toothbrush up and ran a brush through my hair. I looked in the mirror and if I hadn't been so indifferent I would have been startled. The purple bags under my eyes made it obvious that I didn't sleep well…ever…and my desolate eyes made it obvious that I was dead. I'm sure they had once been a rich cocoa color, I couldn't really remember, but now they were just muddy. I wondered if everyone knew what was behind those eyes; if they knew the person they had all once laughed with was gone. Probably so.

I splashed some cold water on my face and dried it with a towel and headed down the stairs.

Charlie was sitting at the table having eggs and toast.

"Hey Dad." I pulled out a bowl, spoon, a box of cereal, and milk. I had no idea what kind it was. I didn't even remember buying it even though I always went to store every Sunday afternoon to pick up all the things on Charlie's list he kept on the fridge.

"Good morning Bells," he said. He sounded like he was trying to be cheerful, but didn't want to overdo it. I was glad.

I poured the cereal out in my bowl and covered it in milk. I took a bite and made a sour face as I chewed it.

"Milk bad, Bella?" Charlie questioned.

"No." I looked at the box. Rice Krispies. "Do I eat these a lot or is this the first time I've bought them?" He looked at me with concern. I shifted nervously, realizing that I must really be out of it. "I mean, I just don't remember getting Rice Krispies at the store I thought I'd gotten something else." I hoped he bought my cover. To my surprise he smiled and then started to laugh. I think I smiled a little too, listening to his merriment.

"Bella, it's the first time I've seen you eat them, but I'm glad to see that you've noticed something around here."

"Yeah," I looked down at my bowl and stirred the crackling mush around. Charlie chuckled off his laughter and took another bite of toast. "Hey dad…" He looked up at me with sparkling eyes like I'd said something so interesting. I looked down at the table as I continued. "I was thinking about Christmas coming up and all…" I looked at him again and he looked so…hopeful. _W_h_at the hell? _"Why are you looking at me like that?" He smiled.

"I'm just happy to hear your voice, sweetheart. We don't..." His forehead wrinkled. "We don't talk much anymore."

It was my turn for my forehead to wrinkle up. _We didn't talk much?_ I thought for a moment and couldn't remember the last time we'd had a conversation. That must be making him so sad and worried. I didn't want him to worry about me.

"I'm sorry, dad. Um, I just thought that I'd let you know that I might go somewhere this weekend. I don't want Christmas to get here and me not have something to give you. Plus I'll need to mail something to mom soon to make sure it gets there on time." He looked absolutely ecstatic.

"That's wonderful, Bella! Do you need any money?"

"No, I have quite a bit saved up from working at Newton's store so I should be okay."

"You know you should go with a friend and make a night of it. Why don't you call Jacob, I bet he'd love to go shopping with you."

_Un oh_. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Charlie must have seen something in my face, because he immediately backtracked.

"You don't have to! I was just making a suggestion. I just don't want you to go alone at this time of year. Crime rates are always higher at Christmas."

"Um…" I concentrated on my cereal again. I tried another bite, but I wasn't hungry anymore and it tasted so bland without sugar. It wasn't worth the effort. I quickly got up and put my bowl in the sink. "I'll think about it." I kissed the top of his head and grabbed my book bag and coat as I scuttled out the door. I ran out to my truck and skidded to the door, my feet sliding on the frozen ground. I grabbed my side-view mirror to regain my balance. Once I was safely in my truck with it started and the heat on, I let myself think about something for the first time in months.

Jacob.

He had saved my life. He and Billy had just been over to the house a few weeks ago. I don't remember what for, I guess for game night. I tried to remember how much I'd seen of Jake over the past few months and I wasn't sure. All I could remember was seeing him in my living room with Dr. Gerady and Charlie when he'd said "I don't think he'll be keeping in touch."

Now that I was thinking back to that moment I wanted to know why he'd said what he said. And I wanted to know why he'd said it such a way. It was really bothering me as I pulled out of the driveway and headed for school. Jake didn't have any right to speak that way of him. For all anyone knew he wasn't the reason for my behavior at all. I still haven't spoken of him. I hadn't even thought about him for a long time. It made me angry that Jake spoke of them in such a tone of voice. He didn't know a damn thing about the Cullens or what they were like! They were all loving, kind, generous and good people!

_Shit!_ The cavity in my chest where my heart once beat began to ache and a tear ran down my cheek. "Stop it, stop it!" I screamed to myself as I pulled into the parking lot. I parked in a back row away from everyone else. I slumped down and rested my head on the steering wheel and took a few deep breaths to calm myself.

I hadn't been like this in months. _This is bullshit!_ _I can't live like this!_ I pounded my fist on the dashboard. _I wanted it to stop just for a minute. Just a minute of peace from this struggle to hide the pain!_ I sat up and wiped my eyes. I checked myself in the rearview mirror to make sure I didn't look too hideous. My nose was a little red but I could shrug that off to the cold. I sniffed and grabbed my bag and headed to the school building.

I walked into my English class in building four and took my usual seat next to Angela. Class hadn't started yet and started taking out my notebook to be prepared when Mrs. Walton was ready. I looked at Angela. She was looking over some homework. I noticed that she didn't acknowledge my presence so I cleared my throat to get her attention. She kept reading her paper.

"Hey Angela" I finally said. She looked up at me with a startled expression on her face.

"Um, hi Bella." She didn't say anything else but kept looking at me. This made me nervous. _Did I look that bad?_

"I'm sorry, is something…wrong? Are you mad at me or something?" She shook her head and came to.

"No, no I'm not mad or anything. It's just…"

"Just what?"

"You haven't really spoken to me in months. I'm just surprised. You normally have to be asked a question…several times…before you answer."

"I do?!" _Holy shit, where had I been? Exactly how long had I been out? _ Angela shook her head.

"Yeah, it's been pretty weird. I miss having you around. Jessica isn't exactly a model friend." I had to be worst person ever.

Wait a minute!

No.

That title was reserved for someone else.

_Damn it!_

I threw my wall up again, but this time I made sure to only fence in the painful parts. I really wanted to talk to Angela. I must have briefly been in another place because she had this concerned look on her face.

"It's okay Bella. I know it's been hard on you. I'm not mad." I felt my mouth turn up just a little in appreciation.

"Thanks."

"I wouldn't try to speak to Jessica right away though."

"Why?"

"Well, she is kind of mad at you. I think you've actually ignored her the most. Although I can't say that I blame you considering how she acted when you first came back to school."

I tried to remember what had happened between me and Jessica, but I was coming up with nothing. I had absolutely no memory of anything from back then, besides the obvious. It didn't hold enough interest since I knew she hadn't cared that much for me to begin with. I shrugged and said "Oh well."

I had similar reactions from people for the rest of the week. Mike and Tyler were in my third period history class so I made an effort to speak with them. I was determined to find another way to get through life without being oblivious to the world. I just wanted to be numb to the pain, not to everyone around me. I had been hurting everyone by acting like that. No one understood and it was impossible to explain it to them.

By Friday the only people who were still not speaking to me was Jessica and Lauren. They sat at the opposite end of the lunch table. They were more aggravated than ever according to Angela because Mike and Tyler were paying them less attention again like before. I scoffed at that. Like they ever had chance then or now…they were no comparison to what I had…and then lost. I wondered if I'd ever be able to get through a moment without being reminded of him.

_I had to find a different and better way to cope with the pain._

**January: Aware**

I never called Jacob to help me shop. I knew I wouldn't have been much fun so I had gone alone one day during the week while Charlie was at work. It was easier that way. I was worried that Jake would ask me questions that I didn't want to answer. Out of everyone I knew, he just seemed to see more into me. Like he knew something no one else did. That made me a little nervous. I felt bad though. Out of all of my friends, even though I saw him the least, he seemed to care the most.

He and Billy had come over Christmas Day to celebrate for a little while with us. They had their own families, so I wasn't sure why they came by. I had a feeling it had something to do with me. I think Charlie wanted something to be going on since I was used to being with Renee and traveling around to her and Phil's friends and family over Christmas. I didn't care much, but it had been kind of nice to be around Jacob for a while. He somehow just radiated happiness and it was a little infectious. The house was silent and empty after they left, like always.

I think everyone had forgiven me for my insanity after we got back from Christmas break. Jessica and Lauren didn't count. I wasn't back to normal of course…I was just hiding it a little better now. I would never be who I had been back then. I put everything inside, closed the gate and locked it away. I still got lost inside myself a lot, but now someone would make an effort to shake me out of it and I would come back. I was glad they all understood while I was trying so hard.

My nightmares still continued though. I was getting used to them now and expected it. I didn't scream as loud as used to. I didn't want to worry Charlie anymore.

Three AM came Saturday morning and I fell back into my pillow sweating profusely and fighting for breath. I didn't scream this time at all. I got up and went to my window and pushed it open, sucking in the crisp, icy air. I could see a fresh dusting of snow on the ground. I shivered against the cold as it chilled my damp body and closed the window. I wanted to go take a hot shower but I didn't want to wake Charlie this early by stumbling around the house in the dark.

I thought about Renee and settled on checking my email to pass some time. I waited impatiently as the dial up connection drudged through its processes. I needed to check into that new wireless stuff everyone was getting. This was ridiculous. A few minutes later when it finally loaded I saw that I had several unread emails from the past few weeks. _How long had it been since I used the computer? Christmas?_

Guilt washed over me as I started looking through Renee's emails. Reading the tone of her emails, she must not expect me to reply back. After I'd finished them all, I composed one back to her. I needed to make up for being such a bad daughter that was for sure. I chewed on my lower lip, trying to figure out what to write. I had nothing to say. _What the hell had been going on around here lately? _I couldn't think of anything with my friends or school.

_This sucked. _

I sat in front of the screen, which was blank other than "Mom," and the blinking cursor that could wait on me forever to get my shit together. The problem was that I didn't think that I could wait on myself forever. It had been four months. Just four months and I was already sick of pining and being secluded from the world. No one knew what I was thinking, what I going through. I'm not even sure if Renee even knew much of Edward. It's not like he and I had a normal relationship. Charlie only saw Edward a few time a week and I half of my outings with him I told Charlie I was somewhere else. I was always protecting Edward and his family. I never wanted anyone to suspect them if something happened to me.

Its no wonder Charlie couldn't wrap his head around my behavior and link it to Edward. He barely knew we saw much of each other outside of school. He didn't know that Edward stayed with me every night with his cold body pressed to mine as I slept. He never knew of the endless and sleepless nights. He didn't know my longing for death, for immortality to stay with him forever. One lifetime would never be enough of Edward.

I felt light headed and swayed slightly to the side, grabbing the edge of my desk. I sucked in a hard breath, aware that hadn't been breathing. My torso was constricted like someone had tied me into a corset three sizes too small. I choked out a small cry and buried my face in my arms on my desk.

It took a few minutes but I managed to pull my emotions back and put them away again.

_I can't keep…exploding like this! _I groaned loudly. _Please somebody help me! _


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Healing**

**Bella: Getting It All Out**

And as if someone actually heard me, help finally came.

Later that morning after I'd written a real message back to Renee for the first time in months and cleaned up the house, Jake called. This was a good thing, I hoped. With Jacob, things were always just a little different. He seemed to know me better than everyone else. He understood even though I'm sure he'd never been in love, what I was going through after Edward left than anyone else. Well, at least that's what I thought was what the vibe he gave off. It was hard to tell in the state I'd been in. Nonetheless, I knew when he called that I had to talk to him. I wanted to. He was thrilled that I agreed to come over after all this time.

It was part of the reason I was worried after I agreed to visit the La Push Reservation. I was afraid of questions that I didn't want to answer, but it was time for me to try to get past him. I didn't know if it was possible, but I needed to try. Edward didn't love me like I loved him. He never did and it was time I accepted that. If I didn't force myself to be around other people and try to forget I never would.

I put on my favorite jeans and a flattering pink v-neck sweater that I never wore and headed for the door. I needed some color in my life for a change. I cleared my head and didn't think of anything as I drove to his house so I wouldn't chicken out.

When I arrived at his little house on the reservation about fifteen minutes later I was greeted by a strange mix of emotions. I was not used having so much emotion swimming around in my head at the same time.

Jacob was standing outside in the cold in nothing except a faded pair of jeans (that fit him perfectly I noted in the back of my mind) and black tank top (that also fit him perfectly).

The flood of feelings was hard to decipher, but it some kind of combination of surprise, happiness, sadness because I felt happy, apprehension, and….and something else I wasn't quite sure of, but I think it had something to do with the mental notes I'd made about how perfectly his clothes fit.

I was surprised because Jacob was huge. He was at least 6'5" and looked like he hit the gym every day. _How had I not noticed this when he was over at Christmas? _He smiled as I was getting out of the truck and he walked over to meet me. He loomed over me and couldn't help myself…I actually laughed.

"What is so funny?" He questioned. His coffee colored eyes sparkled as he grinned at me.

"Jake you're a giant!" This made him laugh with me.

"Bella, I haven't grown any since I saw you three weeks ago."

Another emotion ran through me.

Guilt.

I didn't have time to really register the guilt as Jake quickly pulled me into a bear hug. This sent another sensation through me that I couldn't describe. _And he was so freakin' hot!_ No wonder he didn't have on warmer clothes. It was like the heat was radiating off of him. He let go of me and I was surprised again when that disappointed me.

_What was wrong with me? _

He turned around and started for the house and I followed him. My stomach was turning somersaults and I couldn't decide which emotion was causing it. I began to get even more nervous. All these emotions and I couldn't get them under control. I suddenly didn't know why I was there. Jake was a reminder of the fateful night that my life took a nose dive into the abyss. More emotions washed through me and my chest constricted. I looked at him as he walked towards the refrigerator. I was frozen there, remembering his words again.

"_I don't think he'll be keeping in touch."_ He had said it so hateful. I had to know. I had to know why he seemed to know what had happened that night better than anyone else. It was plaguing me and I knew I would never start to get past this treacherous obstacle that was my longing for Edward, until I knew the truth. I was sure there was something there I was missing. This was why I had to come today.

"Bella?" He must have called my name more than once because he sounded concerned. I shook my head to come back into reality and he was standing with the refrigerator open.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I was asking you if you wanted a soda or tea or something. You totally blanked on me, you okay?"

"I'm sorry." I said again. "Um, tea will be fine." I pulled my coat off as he poured me a glass of iced tea and draped it over the back of a barstool and sat down at the island bar in the kitchen. He stood across from me, scooted my glass of tea closer and looked at me.

I wasn't sure what he was thinking at that moment. I don't suppose that anyone, aside from Edward, ever really knew exactly what someone was thinking even if they said it. Normally people hide the truth even when they were saying what was on their mind. Right now, if I had to guess, Jacob was thinking about how I'd been acting over the past few months and wanted to know why I finally agreed to come over to hang out. He probably had no idea what my motives were. I wasn't even a hundred percent what I was here for, but I knew I had a reason. And then, out of the blue, he let me know that I was completely wrong.

"I think I know why you're here." His voice was so soothing and deep. It was like drinking the perfect cup of homemade hot chocolate while sitting next a fireplace in the middle of a snow storm. What an odd image to have from someone's voice. But, even with such comforting thoughts, I was still unnerved with the conversation that was coming.

"You do?" I asked cautiously.

"Yeah," he leaned back against the sink. "You're ready to talk about it aren't you? About what happened in September?" I looked away from him and down at the counter top.

"I suppose I am," I whispered. I wasn't so sure I wanted to talk anymore.

"So, I know _why_ you're here, but I don't really know why you're…_here_." I didn't understand what he was saying.

"What do you mean?"

"Bella, why are here to talk to me? I figured when you were ready to talk, you'd open up to one of your friends at school. You and I have never spent that much time together."

I thought about Angela. I did want to talk to Angela, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to even mention anything about it. But Jake…he was closer, a family friend. And he knew something. I struggled to find my voice, to ask him about it, but my nerves were not having it. And then some occurred to me. Why was I afraid? I had been going through the worse possible paid a person could ever endure. I'd had my leg crushed and my ribbed busted by a raging vampire. I'd even been bitten and thought I was being burned alive. Why did this scare me? Edward was gone, why fear anything else? Nothing would ever hurt more than that. I was hurting now as the empty space where my heart once fluttered in my chest throbbed. Jake knew something no one else did and it was time I find out what. My fear seemed to dissipate.

"You know something and I want to know what that something is." His brow furrowed in confusion and he didn't say anything. "You know more about that night than anyone else Jake. And it wasn't because you found me, you found me because you knew something." Now he looked surprised. _Welcome to the club._

He pressed his lips together tight, crossed his arms and drummed his fingers like he was trying to make an incredibly tough decision. I waited for him to decide. After a minute he moved away from the counter and motioned his head for me to follow him. I followed him down the narrow hallway of his house and into his room. After I was inside he closed the door behind me.

His room wasn't very big, especially for someone as huge as Jake but there was some space to walk around. At least there would have been if wasn't for the dirty clothes and car magazines scattered across the floor. It was very dark even with the light on and as if reading my mind, he jerked the extra sheet that was pinned up over the window down and natural light flooded into the room. Now I could also see the empty plates and cups sitting around everywhere. His blankets were neutral colors of browns and blues with some Quilete regalia and decorations. I wanted to tease him about his messy room, but it seemed inappropriate considering the seriousness of the conversation we were about to have.

Jake grabbed his computer chair and sat in it backwards leaning forward on it and extended his arm out towards the bed for me to sit on. I kicked off my snow boots and sat Indian-style in the center of the bed and waited on him to tell me what he knew.

"Bella," he looked so serious, like he was aged beyond his short sixteen years. He didn't look sixteen anymore at all. If I didn't know him, I'd guess 24 or 25. "Bella, I know," he said matter-of-factly.

_Well, duh! _I thought then. _That's why I'm here._

"You'll have to be more specific." I had to tell people that a lot…well the men in my life anyway. They were either insulting my intelligence or speaking in cryptic riddles. They should all work for the government. He huffed, frustrated…now he looked sixteen. I would have smiled but before I could he said something that sent shockwaves through my body.

"I know that Edward is a vampire." I froze. I didn't breathe, I didn't think, my heart probably stopped too. But I had to think. I had to deny it. I had to protect them.

"J-jake, don't be stupid." I had to think fast now. "You've been smoking too many peace pipes around the fire pit and listening to ghost stories. You scoffed at Billy's old legends just last spring." He leaned back in his chair and laughed, but there was no humor in his voice. He could see right through me.

"Bella, there is no need to hide it from me. I know you've had to keep it buried away from everyone, but I know the truth. I know he's a bloodsucker, there's no use in denying it."

_How could he be so nonchalant about this? _If he knew that I knew they were vampires, wouldn't he have done something?

Then I remembered.

Billy had tried to do something about it. Those times that Billy warned me, sending Jake to the school…he had said that they would be watching me. Of course Billy knew and he had told Jacob.

_Did he just call my Edward a_ bloodsucker_? _

"Bella, I know that you think he took some fantastic opportunity away from you…" He fidgeted and shifted, not knowing how to finish. "I'm sorry. This is difficult for me to talk about with you. I just…I don't understand."

"Huh, yeah," I said. I had been confused and lost for a while now so not understanding was something I was used to. I didn't understand why Edward left me, I didn't understand why Alice left me, and I certainly didn't understand what Jake didn't understand. I pulled my knees up to my chin and wrapped my arms around them trying not to fall apart. If only some of the last year had made any sense I might be able feel a little better about it. But none of it did.

"I mean, please tell me Bella," he implored. "Why would you want to become such a thing? Please explain it to me, because I'm so lost."

_He knew I wanted to be a Cullen too! _ _But how? _

I went to such lengths to hide how deeply I was involved with Edward. Even though everyone knew we were dating, I'd never told anyone of my aspirations to become a Cullen, not even in a normal fantasy with marriage, kids, and a white picket fence. For all my friends at school knew before I was left behind to a life of complete mediocrity, he and I were a normal 'here today, gone tomorrow' teenage fling. It was my tantrum after he was gone that gave it all away and even then no one had a clue. Hell, they all probably thought I had been a lunatic all along and that's why I had to move here in the first place. That would make much more sense, not my undying love for a lost a boyfriend at age eighteen.

"Bella," he stood and pushed his chair out of the way and sat on the bed next to me. I couldn't look at him. I closed my eyes so tight that could I see colors behind my eyelids and put my forehead on my knees to hide my face. I felt Jacob's sizzling hand on my forearm. I was shivering. I longed for the comfort of Edward's cool hands and his solid body against me. I would never feel him next to me again. I didn't want to cry in front of Jacob. This was supposed to be helping me by talking about it, but it was becoming insufferable and we hadn't discussed anything. He knew so much already, what was there for me to explain? I choked on the sob that was trying to escape from my throat. My neck and my head strained to help hold in my tears.

"I know it seems like a great life, to be…immortal, but it's not all it's cracked up to be, especially a vampire immortal."

_What was he getting at? _I peaked up at him, questioning him with my eyes. I didn't dare to speak for fear of losing what little hold I had on myself. There was so much sadness in his eyes. That confused me even more. Why was he sad?

"I just can't believe that you would want such a life. _Vampires_," he spat the word out in distaste, "are nothing but disgusting leeches, Bella." Shock and anger rolled through me. My fingers clenched and I narrowed my eyes at him. He didn't act like he noticed, but I knew that he did. "I can't even begin to understand how a life of immortality would make you want to be a demon; a damned soul!" He jumped up and turned his back on me, rubbing his hand through his jet black hair, his muscular back rippled as he flexed. He turned back around glowering at me.

_How could he say that about the Cullens? _They Cullens were such good people. They had made mistakes, yes, but they fought against their cravings and urges to be good people. Carlisle and Alice had never killed anyone, Jasper killed in war just like soldiers do now, Rosalie killed the scum that assaulted her and left her for dead, Edward killed murderers, rapists…how could that be bad compared to the evil in this world? I was so infuriated by Jacob's accusations towards the Cullens that it took a minute to process everything and read into what he was really saying about me. The realization hardened me. He thought I wanted to be a vampire for blood, for power…to live forever.

"You think I want to kill people?" I gritted.

"I don't know what you want!" He yelled, exasperated. "You obviously loved the life of a vampire and can't go on knowing that they didn't want to make you one of them! They left you here after you had to think they were going to keep you and turn you into one of them."

A rockslide of pain tumbled down upon me and I could feel moisture leaking down my cheeks. At least he was right something. I can barely get by know that they left me here to die alone.

"Look at you! You're crying over those parasites!"

"You don't have any idea what you're talking about Jacob Black," I said coldly.

"Are you going to tell me now that you don't want to be a vampire?"

I stood up still on the bed and I looked him straight in the eyes. He was at least seventeen inches taller than me and since his bed was practically on the floor I was right at his height standing on it. Another amusing moment lost in the turmoil of my life.

"I don't want to be a vampire."

"Bull..shit."

"You've misunderstood everything, Jake." My voice was steady and quiet now. His eyes softened.

I was ready to fall apart, I knew it, but I was determined to not let Jacob see me like that any longer. I thought that I needed to have this talk with Jake. I'd brought this all on myself and I knew now that when I got home I would cry until the sun came up and never sleep. I would crawl back into my shell and find a way to lock away all the pain again.

"Then tell me," he asked, his tone quiet with mine.

"I don't want to be a vampire." I whispered. "I want to be a Cullen." He recoiled from me.

"A Cullen?"

"Yes! I wanted to be a part of their family! I wanted to be with him forever Jake! I love Edward, the man inside the vampire. You and nobody else could ever understand what we had." I wiped away the silent tears spilling down my face. Jake looked at me and I knew he still couldn't grasp what I was trying to tell him.

"Bella, I'm sorry to be the one to say it out loud, but he obviously didn't feel for you anything close to what you felt…or feel for him." I winced as his words pierced my heart. "I'm not trying to be mean, even though I know I might sound a little harsh, but you can't waste the rest of your life waiting for him to come back."

My kneed started to feel weak so I sat back down on the bed.

"I know," I whispered.

"Time doesn't mean much to them, Bella. It could be eighty years before they come back to Forks. They'd have to wait so long to make sure everyone was dead who could recognize them or raise suspicion."

_It will get easier with time. It will be as if I never existed. _Edward's final statements echoed through my head.

"He said that he didn't love me." I pulled my knees up again and hid my face. "He said he didn't love me and then he said, "It will get easier with time. It will be as if I never existed."

I felt the bed sink as Jake sat next to me, his body heat warming me. He put his arm around me, comforting me. I wanted to protest his affection. I didn't want anyone's arm around except Edward's, but it felt so calming just sitting there with him. I was exhausted from so much emotional mayhem after being so closed off for months that I could have fallen asleep right there.

"He never deserved you," he growled through his teeth. "You are way to good for that leech."

After a minute and few deep breaths I sat back up.

"Jake?"

"Why do you hate the vampires so much? I thought the Cullens were good. Didn't you're great-grandfather make the treaty with them because they didn't harm anyone?"

"Hating them is just part of being a Quilete. We all tolerate the Cullens because of the treaty, but the rest of the vampire world feeds on human blood. At least as far as we know they do. Plus, there is always a chance they'll screw up and lose control one day, killing an innocent."

"But what if, when they killed, the person wasn't innocent? What if they only went after the evil in the world, ridding us of rapists and murderers? Wouldn't that count for something?" The questions seemed to make him uncomfortable. He removed his arm from me and a chill ran through my body.

"I guess it would. But killing is still killing."

"There are things far worse than vampires out there Jake."

"You say that like you've seen worse. I can't imagine anything worse than a creature that lives on blood."

"Of course you wouldn't." I said tersely. "Look at you; you're monstrous! No one would ever try to do anything to you or hurt you. It's not the same for those like me. I'm the perfect target for anything or anyone."

"You say that like something has happened to you before."

"Yeah, you could say that. I've had my fair share of brushes with death and evil, Jake. I've seen more than you can imagine over the past year. Edward had to save my life four times in the few months we were together." Jake gasped.

"What?"

"I would rather be pinned down by a vengeful vampire any day than be at the hands of a murdering rapist. I should know."

"Jesus, Bella, what happened?"

"It's not important. I don't want to rehash those memories either." I crossed my arms and turned my head from him, ending the conversation. I couldn't bare talking about those things now.

"Look, um, do you want to talk about something else now or do something. We could always go somewhere and get your mind of all this stuff." I turned to look at him and when I did I was warmed by his carefree smile. I couldn't help myself and smiled back.

"Sure. Why not?"

He got up and reached his hand out to me. I hesitated and then reached out to take his burning hand, letting him pull me up, keeping me steady as I stumbled a little.

……………………………………………………………**..**

When I got home later that evening I was exhausted. Jake dropped me off in his rebuilt VW Rabbit that he'd worked so hard to get running. I was happy for him that he'd finally gotten all the parts he needed. It ran great. I ran up the stairs saying a quick goodnight to Charlie and flew into my room, slamming the door behind me. I kicked off my shoes, socks, and took my pants off as I pulled a XL t-shirt from my closet and replaced my sweater with it. As I crawled into bed thoughts of Edward and Jake flooded my mind. For the first time in months I'd been able to smile and even laugh a little as Jake took me to Port Angeles to grab some dinner and then we walked through the park together just talking. He'd stopped asking me about the Cullens and I was glad. A little of the heaviness eased from chest as the night wore on and I felt lighter.

As relieved as I felt that the night was over, I still couldn't shake a feeling of uneasiness. I wondered if there was something else that Jake wasn't telling me.

I expected to be up all night, and even waited for the tears to come, but the next thing I knew it was morning and the sun was shining bright through my window. I squinted from the brightness and looked at my clock.

_It was 10:30 AM!_ _I had slept through the night! _

Another first in the past four months. I finally felt rested.


End file.
